Thursday, August 19, 2010

A sinner needing only Jesus

“God never places us in any position in which we can not grow. We may fancy that He does. We may fear we are so impeded by fretting, petty cares that we are gaining nothing; but when we are not sending any branches upward, we may be sending roots downward. Perhaps in the time of our humiliation, when everything seems a failure, we are making the best kind of progress."-Elizabeth Prentiss
This quote really hits home right now. I feel like such a failure as a Christian. There is so much in me, that is not of Him. I see my selfishness, my pride, and my failures. Sin truly blinds a person. Often, we think everyone elses sin is worse than ours, when our own logs are in the way. I'm not surprised, pride is always irrational and stupid. I feel like it's so easy for us, especially in my amazing church where the truth is always portrayed so vividly, to think that getting by is okay. Just doing the minimal. That's such hypocrisy..I am really speaking for myself. The minimal that I do has gotten really old for me. I feel dissapointed and disatisfied with where I'm at, to say the least. What's the point of all this great truth if I don't live it every moment for God's glory. It's useless. Jesus please please help me to stop wasting the truth I know. I just want to live for those around me, but my ridiculous "me" gets in the way. It seems simple to overcome yourself, yet it's difficult. The quote I posted at the top really brought me amazing encouragement. Even though it feels like I'm stuck in a rut with my Christian growth, I know He's always at work. And He promised to finish it. The cross is amazingly beautiful to me at times like these, when I know I could NEVER have earned anything, when I see myself as the sinner that I am. I guess that's a blessing in itself. How easily I grow hardened to the gospel, Praise God that He can open my eyes again and again.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

wild animals at home?

Sometimes, the little moments are the ones that you want to cling to for a long time. Seldom do you realize you are having one of those wondrous little life moments, until after you look back, recount that memory, and confirm to yourself, with a yearning to experience it again, that it was truly one of those moments. I was lucky enough to have one of these moments recently... I am truly a blessed and undeserving girl, because they happen to me quite often. I was cuddled in the corner of my room, pillows set, blanket sprawled, and good book in hand. Silence dominated in the household, because naturally it is always like that at 12am. I received a shy knock on my door. In came my niece, Diana, "Can I stay here for a while?" Of course, I consented. So she made herself comfortable on my couch, and grabbed her favorite read. Minutes later Sergey, my nephew, who never thinks it is necessary to ask for my consent regarding his stay in my room (I've grown used to it :), also sauntered into my little inhabitance. So we stayed up reading all together in my room. It was the cutest thing ever. Oh how I love these kids. They mean the world to me. Oh and lest you deceive yourself by gathering skewed speculations about these two they are the most peaceful children you've ever heard about and such..let me destroy those thoughts now by declaring that you have noooo idea. I don't need to go to a zoo, I've got these wild animals at home. It's when they're not immersed in their books that the wild comes out. Someone wise did once say "there is a wild thing in all of us".

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Grandma dearest.

As I walked into the dim hospital Saturday evening, I was little prepared for the sight that would be displayed before me. Snug in the hospital bed underneath the myriad of white linen was my grandma. A month was long enough to age her by what seemed years. Her face was sallow and thin, barely resembling the lady I knew. She lay there helpless, not without a smile though, when she saw her grandchildren stride into the room. It was heart wrenching. Immediately, I went and held her hand. One glance at her and you knew she was so ready to meet Jesus. I quietly inspected her face as she spoke softly to me. An array of defined wrinkles decorated her once youthful complexion. Her eyes bore deeply when she looked at me. The dark circles under her eyes depicted the tedious and strenuous weeks she had been facing with her treatment. Nonetheless, I saw such beauty in her. She was so beautiful to me. Underneath who she looked like, I saw her soul. I saw a strong person who had been fully devoted to living for God, who knew her God, and who was more than ready to see Him. I saw a strong character, yet a quiet and gentle spirit, that had been through numerous ordeals, but stood faithful to the Lord. I am tremendously grateful for the imprint that she will leave on my life. That day at the hospital, what shook me deeply was when she stated that she was always praying for me. Here is my grandma at one of the most crucial and frightening moments of her life, but even then she allows no self focus to permeate. She is thinking about her family. Astounding. It was heart warming to hear her crack a joke. "Grandma's still got her sense of humor," I uttered to my family. As we all laughed, I truly realized how much I was going to miss her. She is an inspiration to me. I pray God can cultivate such a character in myself also someday. Perhaps, when I'm old and gray and everything else fades away my love for God can remain as vivid as ever.